Running Solo...

It is April 23rd, 2012.

It doesn't matter where you are, what you have done, or what you plan to do... if you "feel" alone, you are.  I have allowed myself to enjoy company which I do not require.  I have allowed myself the comfort of company which is not necessary... even with company, I am alone.

If one were to explore history, to interpret right and wrong through out the ages, the never ending story that is history... what is next?  What is accomplished within the short time you are here that history and your knowing has any effect on?  These are just some of the questions one might have in mind.

This is negative, this is pessimistic, and I do not feel this adequately describes the "anything is possible" attitude for which I prominently support.  But at times, being alone, feeling alone, can realign you with your true self.

What demands our time?  What is most important to us if not that which we place importance upon?  This is a revolution of the mind.  Even as I find myself in another country, among people that appear to be different and yet similar in every way.  I am, and I have never stopped being.  I continually choose my focus and the direction I take here and now in the present.  My thought process, the love, the pain, the struggle, and that feeling which leaves me to believe I am running solo... these are thoughts I fail to recognize, and it pains me to realize that no matter what I am, I will potentially feel this way until the day I decide to change my mind.  Because this is internal, I chose to feel alone, to reflect upon the many thoughts and feelings I have had thus far in my journey.

I have existed in this world long enough to know that I choose these words, my actions are my own, and every ending is the beginning of my understanding every decision and it's inception.  I learn, and I have full control.

Maybe if I spoke less and listened more?  My response, "well, don't I do enough listening already?"

The truth of the matter is that I rarely have anything to say.  I want to speak the words not yet spoken, I want to be the person I haven't yet realized myself to be, and I want to love.  As life has presented itself as something I can only take in waves, I have yet to understand why I have sacrificed so much to simply be alone.  Perhaps this is the consequence, and perhaps I haven't found myself the sort of motivation I need, the sort of love that doesn't require thought, only action.

What is at the core of our... ?

We read the news, and although we're not entirely disconnected from the world around us, we know we're looking at pictures and reading words regarding something that has just happened, and in an entirely different country.  But what does it mean when we are there experiencing the situation first hand?  You would most likely walk away with an entirely different perspective on the matter.

Reflecting on everyday life is partly what makes me who I am.  I will often ask myself, "what is at the core of our being?"  This question is literally quite broad if you think about it.  There is never one thing driving our every action, our lives are complex, and in reality there is much at the core of being.

Take atoms for instance, from what little I do know, it would appear that there is a balance in place.  A cloud of electrons surrounding a nucleus of protons.  There is an obvious balance here, atoms make up matter and matter is everything that occupies space.  We occupy space, we are made up of matter, and we exist are in turn a part of that balance.  I went off on a bit of a tangent, but the point is this, balance exists all around us.  And I cannot wait for the day when I can write a book about it and deeply reflect on the subject.

When I think of balance and I think of what is at the core of our being, I go back to the basics.  Clean food, water, and air to consume.  What more is necessary?  Shelter.  But then life becomes much more complex.  We either want or feel we need more, and our culture plays a role in this process.  Perhaps it started at a young age, besides, repetitious behavior helps us develop habits, good or bad.

Should the question be, "what should BE at the core of our being?"  We all choose our own focus, what is most important to us as individuals, our families, and so on.  A part of me leaned toward religion as having the most influence, what is religion if not a guideline for everything that should or should not be incorporated into our lives?  Religion inspires behavior, lifestyle, values, morals, and has influenced many people throughout the ages.  For some people, religion is much more important that any possession, amount of money or any worldly thing.  And because that, I have great respect for religion.

What else could it be?  What else might we see as being at the core of our being? ...Love inspires.  But what is love without hate, or peace without war?  In this world, there is always some sort of balance, whether we agree with the laws of gravity or not, it continues to exist and so do we with all our desires, the will to do right, and not to forget our errors, our sins.

Mente Fuerte ...continued

I can remember what I felt just prior to leaving my house for the airport on March 31st.  I can remember feeling like I may not have packed everything, and I can remember reminding myself that I did not need everything nor anything at all.  But, it helped to know what I would like to be prepared for, and for me, being prepared had everything to do with learning and documenting the experience.  I wanted to jump into something unfamiliar, to feel lost, to adapt, and to leave knowing that I had changed in some way.  And yet I had no idea how difficult the process would become for me, nor did I realize how much I would struggle just in the first few weeks.

I had to share my thoughts and experiences with everyone I knew.  A post on Facebook got some attention and it read, "I'm starting to feel like I don't belong here. Estoy discontento, I'll just have to see what becomes of it."  A friend of my commented and indicated that I was "over the honeymoon" and that I should "hang in there."  Having surpassed that awkward feeling and having had time to reflect deeply to understand what it was I had been feeling, and what it was I desired was invaluable.


The title of the original post is adequately titled "Learning Spanish: mente fuerte" which translates to "strong mind."  I genuinely believe that I have the sort of mental process that will at times cause me grief more than anything because I overanalyze and I am very hard on myself.  In this particular situation, and most certainly right before I left my house for the airport the day of my departure for Mexico, I was scrambling.  All the time thinking that I had not studied up on the culture, traditions, acceptable behavior and details such as these.  The truth is, other students studying abroad may have had similar experiences, but there is a balance to be had.

I have been reading and had the opportunity to gain perspective that has allowed me to realize my situation.  Much like counseling offers someone the perspective needed to see their situation for what it is, so have I had the opportunity, and the book I have referred to at this point in my journey is titled, "Maximizing Study Abroad by Paige, Cohen, Kappler, Chi, and Lassegard."

I have a saying, "anything is possible," but I also believe that perspective is everything.  So, look for it, perspective is there and it aids the mind in deciphering new experiences, feelings, and so on.

Learning Spanish: Mente Fuerte

Never have I felt more inundated with new information, and my mind bombarded in a way that demands a new kind of thought process.  I am typically a good student, I strive to be efficient, and yet here in Mexico, along with nine other students, I am sleep deprived and at times feeling behind.

What presumptions do students have prior to studying abroad?  We all knew it was an intensive course, and yet have we subconsciously convinced ourselves that this is some kind of vacation?  Sure, we need our social time, and we literally need days to explore, to see all the historical sites, visit all the restaurants, and see whatever it is we came here to see and be a part of.  But where do we draw the line?

This is the end of week five, we completed our midterm exams, and we have five weeks remaining.  We have visited the pueblo de Bernal in the state of Querétaro, Mexico.  We hiked the worlds third largest monolith, experienced new food, learned a language and communicated in an entirely different manner than we were accustomed.

I turned in a combination of work that I hardly support due to a lack of faith in the quality of that work.  And yet it is important that I step back and review the situation.  I have in the past completed work that, according to my professors was, for a lack of better words... complicated.  I have been told that I am strict, that I am challenging myself in ways that are not necessary, and that I am attempting to conjugate verbs in a way that we have not yet learned.  With that said, allowing myself to slip-up and turn in work that I would have spent many hours completing and complicating in the process will suffice.  And ultimately, I am happy with these results.  I am happy to put forth the minimal effort and reap the benefits.

I have come to the conclusion that all this effort, all this time, and all this money must not go to waste.  Other students have shared similar thoughts, and it's hard to come to grips with the fact that some of us may decide that the use of Spanish beyond this trip is not necessary.  Well, I look forward to learning other languages, I look forward to challenging myself as I have never quite felt this challenge before in my life and I value every moment as I'm here in a foreign culture, struggling, and growing.

We have found ourselves without control, without the sort of ability we had back home where communicating was nearly effortless, and where beyond body language we knew a great majority of the words that were spoken to us.  Now, in a situation where I personally struggle, I am knowing and not knowing every word spoken to me.  I am tired and I allow myself to be frustrated.  I have found myself having good days and understanding much more than I thought possible.  With a smile on my face I have been delirious and I have been cranky.  But I would have to say that this process of learning is humbling, it is the best opportunity to step back and ask yourself questions.  How am I reacting right now?  How should I respond?  I don't understand what they're saying but their body language tells me more about the situation.

To be continued...

"Coming and Going"

Have you ever had an experience where you were sleeping, you were half awake and you knew you were dreaming, and you felt like you had the ability to control your dreams?  That is where I am at right now, only I am awake, and every thought, every word, every action was mine and mine to control.

Coming from a different culture, having different expectations, I am expecting so much from myself.  The thought occurred me the other day... I choose the approach, I choose to learn, I choose to smile, and my experience here is solely up to me, no one else.

The end of week three is heartbreaking, I want to stay longer and I knew I would.  Feeling lost, feeling out of place, and ultimately not belonging to this culture is exactly what I desired.  Time changes people, and I desire the sort process I've been slowly accepting into my daily and weekly routine.  The process in which I speak of has everything to do with decoding and encoding the language.  Learning a new language is like decoding secret messages for an agency that is all your own.  You decide the importance of the message, you decide whether or not to care, and you decide how much effort to put forth in the decoding and encoding process.

Yes, we all procrastinate to some extent, as an American enrolled in a foreign program I feel a need to represent my country and empress the those around me, and yet the desire is always coming and going.  There is so much to want to learn, so much to see, so much history to understand, and so much more than just the language to get distracted by and wrapped up in.

And so I have stepped away from my struggling, from my questioning, and have decided to enjoy what I have and what I am experiencing while I am experiencing it.  This is a conscious decision, we all have the power to experience, reflect, and process that which we choose to enjoy.

Luckily, I have had the company of others to help me digest this experience, step back, and realize it's true potential.

The worst situation possible...and you can't run away from who you are.

I spent loads of money and went out of my way to try and lose myself in México. The idea of losing one's identity, one's persona, and establishing or realizing yourself under different circumstances, in a different culture, away from all that one may be familiar with is, I believe, appealing.

I journeyed to México with many ambitions, some of which... actually most of which I never fully planned or prepared for. This includes learning or better understanding the language, preparing for documentary work, video production, and viral marketing. I had big dreams coming down here, but little did I know how difficult it would be to pickup the language. I blame the multitasking, I blame all those things which I have put forth so much time and effort toward which perhaps provided me very little in the end. Life is sincerely busy back home in the United States, and I thought I escaped that, too. But I was wrong.

I am still a Father, I still pay child support, I still have bills to pay, I still need to find work while I'm here so I have money upon my return. I still have projects to consider and complete, research to be done, awards to be considered and won, people to talk to, fun to have, explorations and health to consider and maintain.

I am still human. I believe I have taken the ability to communicate for granted, and having been in customer service related work for over 14 years, I am surprised and nearly in shock as I find myself in the worst situation possible. I am the foreigner and no one understands me.

There have been plenty of situations here where I lost track of the conversation, lost sight of the context, and neglected to understand the meaning of the words and their combinations. The relationship two or more people hold as they share sounds from their mouths, movements from their bodies, and share eye contact is precious. Personally, I enjoy detailed conversations, knowing exactly what people mean when they refer to something specific using words I don't normally hear in combination with other words. Unfortunately, I don't feel like I can do this in español. The reason for my being here is to be able to do exactly that, to understand the meaning of words and their combination.

Is it really the worst situation possible? Most likely not. But, if you could imagine for a moment a situation where you don't understand other people and they don't understand you, you may as well be deaf. Because in this specific example, a person depends much more on non-verbal behavior. Of course non-verbal behavior accounts for 80% of our communication. And, an experienced sales person may tell you, "a job in sales requires 98% attitude, 2% detail." I had a sales job or two, and no one told me how dang important the 2% detail really was. Furthermore, I can tell you that whatever remains beyond body language is absolutely necessary.

I haven't been able to lose myself in this culture. Perhaps if I stopped talking and writing in english I would be successful. The thought has crossed my mind, and I am certainly considering it. I haven't been able to run away from who I am because I brought myself with me. I am an analytical SOB and it pains me to have to remind myself over and over again. My thought process lags, but I am specific and detailed oriented when I want it to be. I spend more time on homework than some people, and I have witnessed the laziness of others only to realize they've somehow found success in the process.

Just like any organized bin, drawer, closet, or kitchen, everything has its place. And I believe that as individuals we slowly sift through the hours of the day, weeks, months, and years to eventually find our place.

Querétaro - Two Weeks Later

During my time here in México I have video journaled a time or two and have yet to post anything. What I aim to accomplish is this; to deeply reflect upon the journey, whatever that may entail. Unfortunately, there are details I have yet to share, and video blogging I have yet complete.

As part of a paid opportunity and my own personal interests to produce a documentary while abroad, I have had the distinct pleasure of interviewing 8 out of ten students who have taken the risk, put forth the effort, and made possible the journey to México. Having had the opportunity to interview them, and having made it a priority to get to know each and every one of them, I am pleased to know them. I have surpassed the boundaries most people, consciously or not, create between themselves and those around them.

With that said, it may appear that I am just doing my job. But, I have to admit that I am the type of person that craves a deeper relationship with those around me. This desire, of course, is carefully orchestrated back home the United States. And there are often many variables that come into play. We never just go out and let our guard down, make friends, and carry on like nothing even happened. We often choose our friends wisely, most of us are skeptics, and if you think you're not a skeptic now, just wait.

I am reflecting on this relational aspect of our being for a couple of reasons. One reason is that the group of us have journeyed down to México with dreams of acquiring new knowledge, experiences, new found relationships, as well as a multitude of other interests. I personally have struggled to communicate effectively with my señora and her niece. That struggle alone and the burning desire to connect with the locals and get a better sense of what makes them tick is literally tearing me apart. But, it is obvious that many people here welcome their neighbors. The hospitality here is unlike any I have witness back home in the US. A sharp contrast to this, even though the crime rate in Querétaro is apparently low, are the bars over windows and doors, gates in front of every house locking away possessions, and broken glass atop the highest walls. All of which adequately displays the security everyone here believes to be absolutely necessary. This may stem from a long history of social and economic instability.

Even now as three candidate run for president of México, I have seen anti-corruption commercials on television, and images to riots and the sense of chaos that would ensue otherwise. Having read very little about México's history, political and economic struggles have ensued elsewhere through Southern America, and so it would not be a surprise if México had experienced many social and governmental upheavals throughout the years.

Here I am, in a new country, here to learn their language, to understand the culture, and to make a real connection with the people. That is all I desire. I have been told that it is important to have a good attitude, to laugh at your mistakes, and move forward. I can have a good attitude, I can laugh at myself, and I can try, try again. But I fear that I will have learned the language much too late and will be long gone from this place prior to truly enjoying my newly found abilities.

It's not that I miss home, but I just don't feel like I belong here. If and when I feel content, it may be necessary for me to leave, and I find no pleasure given that outcome.

- - -

A WEEKEND TO REMEMBER

Saturday April 7th, the entire group (ten people) went down to the central part of town to celebrate a birthday party for one of the girls. At first we went to an 80's bar that consisted mostly of 50's decor and the music rarely sparked attention to the 80's. We had a few drinks, took a few pictures, and winded up in the newspaper a few days later. They knew we were turistas, but I don't think they knew we'd be here for the next nine weeks.

Onto College Bar, this was the highlight of the night for me. You see, prior to coming down to México one of my professors shared her own experiences traveling and studying abroad. She indicated a desire to submerge herself in the culture, and with that she found herself a boyfriend. I knew I would learn more if I had a deeper relationship with one of the locals. Luckily for me, all the dancing and fun at College Bar paid off. One of the Méxicanos approaches me and asked if I would dance with his friend. It was the girl's birthday and us gringos were the only one's in the bar dancing our asses off.

After dancing with the Méxicana I wished her a happy birthday and moved on, danced with las chicas con mi grupo, and heard from various females within my group that this girl had an eye on me. There was an obvious interest and so I had to dance with her again. She couldn't speak English and I could only speak un poco Spanish. On occasion she would consult her friend for translation. Dancing and conversing, it got to the point where she wanted to know if I was single, married, etc. I tell her I'm single, she tells me she's married, and we continue dancing. What happens next? We're done dancing, she tells me she's not actually married and that it was a lie, I act surprised, my friends apparently start for the door after paying our bill, I exchange numbers with this girl, and we make out in front of all the locals. Awesome, had a great time!

A week later, after multiple text messages, attempts to get to know each other etc. I begin to get the feeling that she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Text messages start to dwindle, she no longer replies to my inquiries, and what was once this wonderful experience becomes a fading memory.

I have read somewhere that many of the women here will see you as temporary, and with that, as I've witnessed is exactly the truth. I am here for only a few weeks, why would anyone want to develop a meaningful relationship with someone who is only around for a short while? I say, why let the boundaries our minds stop us from enjoying each other? I have learned, the hard way, that it is important to enjoy what you have while you have it. If only I could find a way to say that to her in Spanish.